Spiritual Depression

As you may know, my husband and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch. For the last nine months, we’ve been living with generous relatives and trying to scrounge-up the means to get that “life” which countless teachers and parental figures have suggested we acquire. After finishing our degrees last June, we felt that this goal would be better served by moving from College Place to the Seattle area where there were more jobs available and family to lean-on if things went wrong. While we were making plans and spending our remaining pennies on a moving van, the economy took a nose-dive.

We were hopeful, at first. It felt great to be done with school (at least, for the moment) and there was a sense that we were finally going to get on with the next chapter in our lives. Things were going to be tough, but we felt certain that we’d weather the storm.

My husband had just finished a degree in psychology and business—a combination which we thought would be extremely attractive to prospective employers. We expected him to find a suitable bottom-rung, white-collar job within three months or so. It would be more difficult for me, since my degree is in fine art and philosophy—both subjects that I adore, but which don’t do much for your resume.

Three months went by. No jobs.

By this time, our bank account was dangerously short on funds. We were borrowing gas money from my mom and dad so that we could get around to drop-off resumes. If my grandparents had not generously provided a bedroom in their attic for us to sleep in, we would have been out on the street.

Resigned to the fact that I was the less likely of the two of us to be highered at a bank or a large corporation, I went to the local shopping mall and filled out applications for any store that would give one to me. Two weeks later, I landed a job at the lingerie shop where I currently work. Not optimal, but it pays some money. I comforted myself with the idea that once my husband became stably employed, I would look for something better.

The only trouble was my husband couldn’t seem to find a job to save his life. He sent in resumes, he visited businesses and talked to anyone who would listen. It seemed that while his education did, indeed, make him an attractive candidate, companies were holding-out for highly experience applicants who had been laid-off from similar jobs in the lagging economy. As my husband does not have five to ten years of experience in any one job field, no one was bothering to interview him.

Flash forward six months:
I continue to work in the lingerie shop, dealing with angry customers and irritating shoplifters. My erratic schedule has me getting up at 4:30am some days and getting home at 2:00am some nights. To add insult to injury, I bring home the paltry sum of $700 a month and my renewed quest to find a better job is, thus far, turning up nothing. In short, my life has become very, very average. Not, in itself, a bad thing, but not pleasant either and far from the sort of life my husband and I imagined ourselves working towards.

My husband finally found a job two weeks ago, to our great relief. Every month that passed without him finding employment felt like another nail in the coffin of our dreams. I still have nightmares that we will be stuck in our tiny room in my grandparents’ attic forever.

Furthermore, our return to living with relatives has necessitated a curbing of my religious activities. After two years of comparative freedom, I have to hide my books and put away my tools again. I barely manage to keep in touch with fellow Pagans online anymore, and because our personal space is so limited, I am, once again, performing highly minimalized versions of my usual rituals.

In light of all these events, it is not surprising that the last nine months have marked one of the lowest spiritual periods of my life.

When things in our lives go poorly, it can become difficult just to summon up enough strength to get through the day. If the act of daily living demands all of our mental, physical, and emotional energies, there is little left over for the pursuit of a spiritual life.

Under such circumstances, we can slip into a kind of spiritual depression. Instead of lifting us up, normal spiritual activities such as participating in ritual or even simple meditation can become absolutely exhausting. We may find ourselves avoiding or even quitting spiritual activities altogether.

There are some ways to overcome this spiritual depression. The easiest and, I would say, most effective method is to surround yourself with a spiritually supportive group of people. It is easier to climb out of a depressed state if there are others who can give you a hand up.

Whether this group consists of coven members, friends and family, or like-minded individuals that you have met via the internet, developing a spiritual support network can do you a world of good, especially if you are closeted. Chances are that most of those you will meet have gone through something similar and have valuable insights which might help to get you back on track faster than if you worked things out by yourself. Sometimes, just having someone there who understands what you’re going through can make all the difference.

Another tactic which I frequently use is to search-out some fresh, spiritual inspiration. I don’t mean, “Go to the bookstore and buy another guide to Wicca/Neo Paganism.” Instead, try reading a little poetry or philosophy (I am partial to the beautiful metaphors of Sufi mystics and the eloquent ramblings of the philosopher Plotinus). Return to the myths of a culture or deity that captures your imagination and try to come away with something that you hadn’t considered before.

When looking for material, try to step outside the boundaries of what you know and expect. I’m a firm believer that every religion and philosophy has something important to teach us. There’s nothing like a new perspective to haul you out of an old rut.

If engaging in religious activities is simply too taxing, set aside some time to be creative instead. The mindset that we enter when sculpt, play music, write, or crochet is very much related to the one that we enter during ritual or meditation, so doing those sort of activities can allow us to take a step in the right direction.

It is also true that getting back in touch with our spirituality requires that we first get in touch with ourselves. Doing something creative requires that we express ourselves on a deep, personal level, even if we are not 100% conscious of this effort. Through art, music, and other creative endeavors, we can explore and release thoughts and emotions that we may not have been allowing ourselves to deal with. Once we permit ourselves to confront these issues--even in a playful way--we can start to move beyond them, freeing up our mental and emotional energies for more spiritual pursuits.

If you find this method works well for you, you can easily turn creative projects into spiritual exercises. Learn how to paint or draw your own mandalas. If you haven’t already, make your own magickal tools. Sculpt your patron god/ess. The list of possible projects is endless.

On the other hand, depending on the source of your depression, a return to the basics may be exactly what you need. If life has gotten more than a little crazy and you feel like you’re careening out of control, basic ritual and practice can act as an anchor and give you a point of stability to operate from. Try to rediscover the reason that you first chose your current spiritual path. Reread some basic liturgy (“The Charge of the Goddess” always does it for me) or one of your favorite books on the subject.

As a part of your effort to “get back to basics” spend some time out in nature, even if all you can manage is a visit to a local park. This should probably be done regardless of the problems you face or the state of your spirituality. If you are Neo Pagan, your faith is most likely Earth-based. Contact with nature, then, becomes imperative.

You may be expecting too much of yourself when it comes to your ritual practices so, keep it simple. Return to the most basic forms of your rituals for a while and try to focus on their essential purpose: connecting you with the Divine. The Lord and Lady don’t need anything fancy from you, so turn down the pressure and give yourself a little break. Like anyone with whom you establish a loving relationship, what they want most is a little bit of your time.

Despite all the ideas I’ve just given you, I can confidently say that the road to recovery is far from easy. Since spiritual lows often stem from problems in our mundane lives, using spiritual exercises and techniques alone is not likely to cure your condition, although it may help.

Take some time to assess your feelings and make sure that what you’re dealing with here is more spiritual than clinical depression. If you find yourself becoming increasingly lethargic and apathetic towards life or having fleeting suicidal thoughts, do not sit at home and do spiritual exercises. Seek professional counseling. I cannot stress that enough.

Additionally, make sure that before you attempt ritual or spiritual practices of any kind you are truly ready to go through with them. If you are too tired or just not in the mood, don’t force yourself. That can make things worse. Instead, try going outside and listening to the birds for a minute, take a walk in the crisp spring air, or tackle a creative project. Pace yourself.

Most importantly, I think, try to cut yourself some slack. These are tough times. Everyone is hurting (myself included). If you feel that you need to scale-back your regular spiritual routine for the sake of your emotional wellbeing, I see no immediate reason why your chosen deities shouldn’t understand. On the other hand, you could find that a little injection of spirituality is exactly what you need to pull through. Only you know yourself well enough to make a decision that is likely to work for you.

But enough from me. Does anyone else have any thoughts on this subject? Maybe you have a way that helps you to deal with spiritual depression that you could recommend to the rest of us. Leave a comment with your input.

Bright Blessings
~LitheWolf

Plan B

Okay, time to face facts:

Fact #1: I am surrounded by family. Constantly.

This is, in most respects, a very good and helpful thing. Less so when one is a closeted Wiccan trying to produce a podcast show about her faith.

Fact #2: The time I have in the day to produce podcasts is extremely limited and extremely sporadic.

Mostly due to the fact that I have a job with highly irregular hours. Things become more complicated when Fact #1 is taken into account.

What this really means is that, when I do manage to get some recording time in, I only get about one-third of and episode recorded. This leads to great frustration as I don't work from a script anymore. Stopping and then starting again really kind of goofs things up. I get thrown off my groove and have to find the train of thought that I left over five-plus hours ago...

The result is a strange jumble of a show with a lot of umm-ing and back-tracking in an effort to make it all work. It also stretches out my recording and editing process to up to two weeks rather than six hours (ouch!). I usually end-up scrapping the episode out of frustration because the quality of the show is so poor. In the meantime, you, the listeners, are probably wondering what on Earth is taking me so long.

Well, alright. Clearly what I've been doing is not working. At all. So, rather than continue to slam my head up against the brick wall of circumstance, I have decided to take what seems to be a large hint from the Universe and adapt.

Until further notice, TBC will no longer have a podcast (though I will keep the previous podcast episodes available for your listening pleasure). Instead, as at least one or two of your have suggested, it will continue as a blog. Let's hope that I can write as well as I talk (haha).

Obviously, if you are a sucker for grammatical accuracy, you may be somewhat disappointed by this version of TBC, but at least this way I'll actually be able to produce something of possible use to all of you poor, long-suffering listeners. I also hope that making better use of the blog format will actually lead to more topic discussion. I'd like to consider anything I have to say as the opening statement of a much larger dialogue, so I'll still be expecting you all to tell me what you think.

I hope this isn't too big of a let-down for all of you. I can't help feeling a little bit like a failure on this one. On the other hand, it's become very clear to me that trying to continue the podcast in my current situation is, perhaps, a bit ridiculous. I hope to bring it back when my husband and I manage to get our own space.

Expect the first post in the new TBC series ASAP.

Bright Blessings!
~LitheWolf